Supporting our Forces Overseas

Three soldiers were chatting about the relative generosity of their own governments in the issue of clothing:

The Russian said,

"My government issues me with 2 sets of underwear, so I can change my underwear on Mondays and Thursdays."

The Yank said,

"My government issues me with 7 sets of underwear so I can change on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays."

The Pommy said,

"My government issues me with 12 sets of underwear so I can change it every January, February, March ......"  

You might be a Redneck Burgman Owner if :

Your riding jacket says: "Elvis rode a Scooter!"

You spent more money on Burgman accessories for Christmas than you spent on a gift for your spouse and children.

You mow your backyard and find that someone didn't steal your cage afterall...

Your custom topcase has brown stripes on one side from chewing tobacco.

You have the genuine Suzuki gun rack behind the pillion seat

You took your burgman inside, and used it as a christmas tree.....

You know you're a level-headed red-neck suzuki rider because the tobacco juice runs equally from both sides of your mouth.

You spend more time on BurgmanUSA than is really good for you!

You might be a redneck burgman owner if you have a REBEL FLAG on your windshield.

You might be a RNBO if you modified the seat back to accommodate various rifles and a deer spot lamp on the handle bars

Your scooter is parked in the garage while your car sits outside

If your carry on luggage for a flight is a humpbag

You measure the storage capacity of your Burgman in 6-packs. (I can store 12, 6-packs of Bud, under my seat.)

If your latest "Mod" includes deer antlers...

If you nickname your bike THE Boss Hoss!

you asked the dealer if it could pull a trailer, you were talking about your bass boat

... your best Burgman mod so far is a winch.

Your latest modification is to drill a hole in seat storage area so the when the ice, that's keeping your 12-pack cold, melts it has somewhere to run out.

 

Subject: Ireland Declares War on France....

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringin to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.

"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.

" Chirac sighs, amused; "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.

"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.

"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no possible way we can feed 200,000 FRENCH prisoners."

Alaskan Wild Party

Sam had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Sam. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Sam, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

Don't much matter .... Just gonna be the two of us.

The Latest Scam

I am a victim of the latest scam in town which is happening at the Shopping Mall.

Two good looking 18 year old women come to your car as you are parking; One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, the other comes to your window saying 'hi' while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse, impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say No and beg you for a ride to the other Shopping Mall.

You agree and tell them to sit in the back. On the way they start having sex in the back seat.

Then one of them performs sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I was victimized last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday & Friday.

The F-word

The F-word is generally way over-used in our day to day conversations.
There are, however, times when it's use might well be considered OK. Some historical instances come to mind:

1. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are Sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

2. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

3. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

4. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

5. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 B.C.

7. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

8. "Where the @#$% am I?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

9. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 B.C.

10. Mr.Suzuki who in the @#$% came up with those plastic rivet things!
-- Burgman rider, the Present

Last Updated  10-Jul-2008