Marmite's Mystery Ride – Oct 25, 2009 – by Mr Nobody

Word came across my desk that a Mr Marmite (unlikely name) was to lead a ride to an unknown destination. And that not only was the destination unknown but the starting point was also a bit of a secret as it was not mentioned on the notices announcing the ride. Curious, I donned my incognito disguise and decided to tag along. To see what the mystery was all about. And to unravel the truth about this Marmite fellow.

Research had revealed the rides left from one of two locations. And that one location was more often used than the other. And so That is where I headed. To see if, in fact, a ride was going on. And when I got there I discovered there was indeed a ride to a mystery location. Sleuthing revealed Mr Marmite was present and so I photographed his bike as evidence.

After a time mingling with the other riders unnoticed, a person, whom I later identified as Mr Marmite (pictured & taken from secret hidden camera), called all to him. Such is his power. And told them they would be heading up the road, riding for a bit, stopping for a smoke, riding some more, stopping again and then he'd think of somewhere to go. Where would the stops be? Only Mr Marmite knew and he wasn't saying. This was all Terribly mysterious.

People saddled their beasts and started their engines. Mr Marmite had trouble. His ride wouldn't start. He used his Power and then the bike started. Most impressive. He must have studied under a Sith Lord!

As he had predicted – or Ordered – all the bikes rode up the road a bit, turned onto a different road and then rode some more. Passing a throng of people on the side who had heard a rumor Lord Marmite was coming by this way and who had gathered to get a glimpse of him, he pulled over to the side to await his minions. And once gathered, rode off again. Until the smoke stop that is. Where loyal followers risked personal injury to the skin on their heads caused by the intense sun to light his cigarette.

The signal was made and it was time to move again. To head off to another stop somewhere. And so all riders awaited the leader and then followed accordingly. And it was at this stop I got to witness his power first hand has he merely walked around with a small bag and people eagerly gave him money. No threats. No goods in return. They just got small pieces of paper without so much as a curried chicken recipe on them. Which they cherished and held onto dearly for Marmite, Lord of the Sith, had touched it.

Having eaten a pie like the others, so I would blend in some more, it was time to go to the next stop. A place we had heard had no services. So if your bike ran out of go-go juice you'd be pushing it. And to make sure no-one contemplated any ideas of leaving the ride, two sentries were stationed nearby to keep an eye on everyone. Ready to pounce should a rider leave or the secret signal be given by Sith Lord Marmite.

Maintaining my undercover story, I rode with the group to the next stop. Through a nice lot of twisties which, it was rumoured, some turned around and rode again once we got to the other side. And then off into an unmarked side road, of which we had already ridden on some during the day, until we came to a place that masqueraded as an Information Center. But which seemed to contain a lot of old items. Were they items retrieved from previous victims taken to this remote location? Were they the collection of some eccentric? Or were they legitimate items from days gone by gathered for future generations to see? Another mystery.

Eventually, it was time to leave. But I needed Proof we had been here – wherever Here was. And so one of the locals took this sub rosa image while we were leaving. I later came back and retrieved my camera out of the watchful gaze of the other riders. I didn't know who I could trust after all. And I didn't want to run afoul of Sith Lord Marmite. I'd seen him writing people's names into his little black book for small infractions for which they would be punished later. So no telling what kind of payback I'd be in for if he found out about my secret mission.

So secret was this place we'd gone to, when I went back for my camera I got lost. And the locals gave me some directions to help me get back on the path. And so I used landmarks to help find my way. Landmarks like this odd structure. Which seemed to be some kind of tower with stairs leading up to nowhere in particular. Stairs leading to the top. What was at the top? Nothing. No home. No communication equipment. Nothing. You couldn't get a mobile phone signal down on the ground. So it May have been built just for that – to climb so you could get reception – I don't know. Another mystery.

While looking for the others, I came across another rider parked on the side of the road who was also lost. And who can blame him? Look at the road. A dirt road in the absolute middle of nowhere. I started to have a Lara Bingle Moment and wondered where the bloody hell I was. But I knew that having found one wayward traveler, I was sure to find some more. All I needed to do was keep plugging away. Keep riding.

As time ticked away and the bike bumped along, I came upon some more riders. They were parked on the side of the road in the shade of the large pine trees. And like me, didn't know where the bloody hell they were. Until Sith Lord Marmite magically appeared, rolled a smoke and gave us directions to help us get out of this maze. Directions which saw us go even Deeper into the pine trees and on longer and bumpier dirt roads.

The sun was well into its arc when, like walking through a cave opening and seeing El Dorado or Shangri-La, our oasis was in front of us. There was shade for our bikes. There was a BBQ cooking with meat-like substances on the hotplate. There was bread and salad and ice-cold beverages. There was even a small watering hole where weary travelers could take a refreshing dip to re-energize themselves. It was bliss. And I still didn't know where I was. And I hoped they all weren't camping the night cause I had to get back to civilization to file my report.

As luck would have it, the remaining trikes were leaving, so I followed them back out, eating their dust on the way. Out of the unknown pine forest and back into the world of the less mysterious. The last I saw of Sith Lord Marmite he was double checking his punishment book and had a smile on his face. Maybe that's really his book of souls...